I've always been a bit of a loner.
I mean, I'm no total introvert that won't leave his house for fear of having to actually talk to people, but I've never really liked big crowds and always felt a little bit uncomfortable at parties and such. I'm fine if it's one on one or even if there's a handful of people, but if there's more than 10 people i tend to clam up and keep to myself. I'm the type of guy who at a party prefers not to be the centre of attention. Even if I'm amongst close friends, the more people there are the less i talk especially if i'm in an unfamiliar environment. The reason I'm bringing this up is that recently i went to a social gathering and found myself tongue-tied. Yes I was amongst my closer friends at the party but it was peripheral acquaintance's kid's birthday do and the only reason i went was that someone very dear to me wanted me there.
I had my usual panic attack and more or less sat in the corner and didn't speak much, even to people that did try to strike up a conversation with me. I think i hurt my partners' feelings because i wasn't really socialising i do feel sorry about that. It truly is my personal pet horror, to be in a room full of people.
I grew up not being part of any clique, or group. The friends that i had only numbered in the handful at any given time so i guess i never really had the chance to develop my social skills in a group setting. I was the guy who sat alone during art class and wandered around the playing field alone during recess. I wasn't the kid who got invited to many birthday parties, and eventhough i do have a large extended family we lived in another city so i only ever saw my cousins once a year. So as a child, my only playmates were my sister and my imagination. To this day it's more or less the same, it's hard for me to feel comfortable in a large group as i'm not used to it. I never had the chance to get used to it.
I suppose what i really want this piece to do is to tell my other half that I'm sorry for being such a dick at times. I don't want to be quiet, but hey, you are what you are. I promise her i will try to be more receptive when it comes to these occasions. I just hope she understands that I'm trying the best that i can, and find it in her to accept this wee little loner that i am....
I mean, I'm no total introvert that won't leave his house for fear of having to actually talk to people, but I've never really liked big crowds and always felt a little bit uncomfortable at parties and such. I'm fine if it's one on one or even if there's a handful of people, but if there's more than 10 people i tend to clam up and keep to myself. I'm the type of guy who at a party prefers not to be the centre of attention. Even if I'm amongst close friends, the more people there are the less i talk especially if i'm in an unfamiliar environment. The reason I'm bringing this up is that recently i went to a social gathering and found myself tongue-tied. Yes I was amongst my closer friends at the party but it was peripheral acquaintance's kid's birthday do and the only reason i went was that someone very dear to me wanted me there.
I had my usual panic attack and more or less sat in the corner and didn't speak much, even to people that did try to strike up a conversation with me. I think i hurt my partners' feelings because i wasn't really socialising i do feel sorry about that. It truly is my personal pet horror, to be in a room full of people.
I grew up not being part of any clique, or group. The friends that i had only numbered in the handful at any given time so i guess i never really had the chance to develop my social skills in a group setting. I was the guy who sat alone during art class and wandered around the playing field alone during recess. I wasn't the kid who got invited to many birthday parties, and eventhough i do have a large extended family we lived in another city so i only ever saw my cousins once a year. So as a child, my only playmates were my sister and my imagination. To this day it's more or less the same, it's hard for me to feel comfortable in a large group as i'm not used to it. I never had the chance to get used to it.
I suppose what i really want this piece to do is to tell my other half that I'm sorry for being such a dick at times. I don't want to be quiet, but hey, you are what you are. I promise her i will try to be more receptive when it comes to these occasions. I just hope she understands that I'm trying the best that i can, and find it in her to accept this wee little loner that i am....
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