1. Timing.
Timing is everything. Ensure that your employer is not engaged in any other matters before you approach him. If he is distracted by something which he or she considers more important then he will not pay any attention to you and your words will not be heard. Make sure that your employer isn't distracted, and has ample free time on his hands to listen to your concern. If your employer is the busy type and is constantly unavailabe, try bribing his secretary to get her to put you into his diary, you may even try sleeping with her. If that is not possible, abducting and locking his ten o'clock appointment in the broom closet would do just fine.
2. Location
Location is also important. When approaching your boss to ask for a raise consider where would be most appropriate. Ideally, the location should be a neutral, non-threatening place where both of you would feel comfortable to open up to each other. This could be in a restaurant, a bar, or even a park. Take on him on a trip to the zoo or to the movies. Unfortunately if you keep doing this your co-workers may think that you're sleeping with him so most likely you'd have to do ist somewhere in the office. Wherever it is you meet him, make sure that you're alone, last thing you want is to have an audience as that may become distracting to both you and your boss.
3. Bringing Up the Matter of a Raise
Now that the moment is right and the place is ideal, how do you bring up the matter of the raise? Ideally he should now what the meeting is about prior to it happening. One way is to send him an e-mail regarding that you wish to have a 'performance appraisal' so you wouldn't have to worry about this. Depending on your boss you may not wish to do this for it may give him to much time to think of he shouldn't give you a raise. So surprise him. Bring it up in a matter of fact way and see what his reaction is. If he starts laughing it may be taken as a bad sign of things to come. Equally so if you see any of his veins bulge out and start throbbing in an unusual manner.
4. Arguing Your Point
Be strong and assertive. Tell him why you deserve a raise don't fall into the trap of trying to prove you need a raise. You know you deserve it. Show him on paper your contribution was to the company. Argue how you are so desireable elsewhere that the competition is knocking dow your door trying to get you to leave to them. Show him how his company would fail without you. How he is so lucky to have you in the first place that he should be kissing your feet and throwing rose petals over your path. His first born child should be named after you, or if he or she already has a name, he/she should be re-named after you. All this, I'm sure you realise, are lies. Which brings us to our next point.
5. Lying About How Important You Are
It is important to remember that when you lie that you don't change your story half-way. Also, a lie is best if it has some element of truth in it. Always make sure your arse is covered. If you get caught in a lie, it can be quiet embarassing if not potentially damaging. A good lie is a simple lie. Though if you're trying to show how spectacular you are when all you've done since you started work at the organisation was to develop a better way to arrange paper clips then complexity may be key. Forge paper work, or if you're to lazy, plagiarise other peoples paperwork, to show how much work you've put out. Take credit from other peoples projects by association. Another good way is to exagerate the importance of your work, if you can somehow convince your boss that your new method making paper airplanes has saved the company over $25k then you've won half the battle.
6. Putting Your Colleagues Down
Say you know you can't convince your boss that you deserve on the merit of your work alone regardless of the lies you have told so far, then what do you do? Your boss can only call you useless if your colleagues are noticebly more useful then you. It all boils down to a frame of reference, your boss looks at how you measure up to your colleuges so it is essential that you put them down first before they make you look bad. If everyone 'seems' more useless then you and you are the star achiever at the office, then how can he deny you your raise?
7. Threaten to Leave
Tell him if he doesn't give you a raise you'll leave. This may have some undesireable affects if so far you've had to relly on steps 5 & 6, namely he'll let you leave. So only do this if you know you have a platform to stand one as this should be an almost last resort.
8. Offer Sexual Favours
This usually works if your boss is of the opposite sex, or sometimes the same. This has a high success rate an is usually quite affective. Though the one drawback would be that your boss might expect you to make good on your promise after you get that raise.
9. Kidnap a Member of His Family
Kidnapping a member of his family is another way to get him to agree to give you a raise. It would be seen as very assertive and since it normally takes more then one person to kidnap another person, you would be showing good leadership techniques if you pull the kidnapping off well. Make sure, however, that you kidnap somebody he actually cares about. There's no point in kidnapping a mother in law he doesn't like. Though if you look at it another way, if you disposed of her quietly he might atill give you that raise.
10. Threaten to Cause Yourself Bodily Harm
Tell him you'll hurt yourself if he doesn't give you a raise. This will work best if you've got a good working relationship with him. Again this may have undesireable results as your boss may then ask to assist you in causing yourself bodily harm especially if you just kidnapped a member of his family.
If All else Fails:
11. Threaten to Cause Him Bodily Harm
Nothing gets attention, answers and agreement then the immediate threat of pain. This is best done if you have a weapon, use the lamp on his desk, or his letter opener. Avoid unwieldy objects like a large chair or items that are to heavy as even though it might look threatening, he knows you don't have enough room to swing it. The best option is to think ahead and bring a weapon in with you. Firearms generally are the best option and he'll definitely agree to give you a raise if you bring one of those in with you. But then again he'd most likely agree that he is also a dancing polar bear and he likes to wear green tutu's if you asked him.
Timing is everything. Ensure that your employer is not engaged in any other matters before you approach him. If he is distracted by something which he or she considers more important then he will not pay any attention to you and your words will not be heard. Make sure that your employer isn't distracted, and has ample free time on his hands to listen to your concern. If your employer is the busy type and is constantly unavailabe, try bribing his secretary to get her to put you into his diary, you may even try sleeping with her. If that is not possible, abducting and locking his ten o'clock appointment in the broom closet would do just fine.
2. Location
Location is also important. When approaching your boss to ask for a raise consider where would be most appropriate. Ideally, the location should be a neutral, non-threatening place where both of you would feel comfortable to open up to each other. This could be in a restaurant, a bar, or even a park. Take on him on a trip to the zoo or to the movies. Unfortunately if you keep doing this your co-workers may think that you're sleeping with him so most likely you'd have to do ist somewhere in the office. Wherever it is you meet him, make sure that you're alone, last thing you want is to have an audience as that may become distracting to both you and your boss.
3. Bringing Up the Matter of a Raise
Now that the moment is right and the place is ideal, how do you bring up the matter of the raise? Ideally he should now what the meeting is about prior to it happening. One way is to send him an e-mail regarding that you wish to have a 'performance appraisal' so you wouldn't have to worry about this. Depending on your boss you may not wish to do this for it may give him to much time to think of he shouldn't give you a raise. So surprise him. Bring it up in a matter of fact way and see what his reaction is. If he starts laughing it may be taken as a bad sign of things to come. Equally so if you see any of his veins bulge out and start throbbing in an unusual manner.
4. Arguing Your Point
Be strong and assertive. Tell him why you deserve a raise don't fall into the trap of trying to prove you need a raise. You know you deserve it. Show him on paper your contribution was to the company. Argue how you are so desireable elsewhere that the competition is knocking dow your door trying to get you to leave to them. Show him how his company would fail without you. How he is so lucky to have you in the first place that he should be kissing your feet and throwing rose petals over your path. His first born child should be named after you, or if he or she already has a name, he/she should be re-named after you. All this, I'm sure you realise, are lies. Which brings us to our next point.
5. Lying About How Important You Are
It is important to remember that when you lie that you don't change your story half-way. Also, a lie is best if it has some element of truth in it. Always make sure your arse is covered. If you get caught in a lie, it can be quiet embarassing if not potentially damaging. A good lie is a simple lie. Though if you're trying to show how spectacular you are when all you've done since you started work at the organisation was to develop a better way to arrange paper clips then complexity may be key. Forge paper work, or if you're to lazy, plagiarise other peoples paperwork, to show how much work you've put out. Take credit from other peoples projects by association. Another good way is to exagerate the importance of your work, if you can somehow convince your boss that your new method making paper airplanes has saved the company over $25k then you've won half the battle.
6. Putting Your Colleagues Down
Say you know you can't convince your boss that you deserve on the merit of your work alone regardless of the lies you have told so far, then what do you do? Your boss can only call you useless if your colleagues are noticebly more useful then you. It all boils down to a frame of reference, your boss looks at how you measure up to your colleuges so it is essential that you put them down first before they make you look bad. If everyone 'seems' more useless then you and you are the star achiever at the office, then how can he deny you your raise?
7. Threaten to Leave
Tell him if he doesn't give you a raise you'll leave. This may have some undesireable affects if so far you've had to relly on steps 5 & 6, namely he'll let you leave. So only do this if you know you have a platform to stand one as this should be an almost last resort.
8. Offer Sexual Favours
This usually works if your boss is of the opposite sex, or sometimes the same. This has a high success rate an is usually quite affective. Though the one drawback would be that your boss might expect you to make good on your promise after you get that raise.
9. Kidnap a Member of His Family
Kidnapping a member of his family is another way to get him to agree to give you a raise. It would be seen as very assertive and since it normally takes more then one person to kidnap another person, you would be showing good leadership techniques if you pull the kidnapping off well. Make sure, however, that you kidnap somebody he actually cares about. There's no point in kidnapping a mother in law he doesn't like. Though if you look at it another way, if you disposed of her quietly he might atill give you that raise.
10. Threaten to Cause Yourself Bodily Harm
Tell him you'll hurt yourself if he doesn't give you a raise. This will work best if you've got a good working relationship with him. Again this may have undesireable results as your boss may then ask to assist you in causing yourself bodily harm especially if you just kidnapped a member of his family.
If All else Fails:
11. Threaten to Cause Him Bodily Harm
Nothing gets attention, answers and agreement then the immediate threat of pain. This is best done if you have a weapon, use the lamp on his desk, or his letter opener. Avoid unwieldy objects like a large chair or items that are to heavy as even though it might look threatening, he knows you don't have enough room to swing it. The best option is to think ahead and bring a weapon in with you. Firearms generally are the best option and he'll definitely agree to give you a raise if you bring one of those in with you. But then again he'd most likely agree that he is also a dancing polar bear and he likes to wear green tutu's if you asked him.
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