"Always be wary of any helpful item that weighs less than its operating manual."
Terry Pratchett
Man I can't believe it's friday already...
Im surprised, and at the same time quiet pleased at the fact. It was a weird week I have to say, while eduring it it felt like it'll never end, but now that its over, in restrospect, it felt like it took only a blink of an eye. One bloody long wink.
This week i felt sat on, spat on, used as a carpet, stressed, told I'm useless, told I'm wonderful (sometimes by the same people, sometimes at the same time!), patted on the back, hit squarely in the face, delighted, disgusted, amazed, dazed and whole other plethora of different emotions.
I'm not sure I mentioned this in my previous blog, but I was conned into becoming a launch manager for a new product trial. It was a case of, Oh I can't make it to this meeting, could you go and represent me please? Just tell me what its about and I'll take it from there." And lo! i suddenly becomer responsible for the success and failure of it. Luckily, all the problems and mistakes were internally and not out in the open with the press and public, so to everyone else it was an astouding success.
Coincidentally, I've taken leave for the whole of next week, I applied for it and it was approved in January, way before all of this. This is a good thing cuz, well, I'm exausted, i wanna lay back, chil out, and finally do my laundry....
Im surprised, and at the same time quiet pleased at the fact. It was a weird week I have to say, while eduring it it felt like it'll never end, but now that its over, in restrospect, it felt like it took only a blink of an eye. One bloody long wink.
This week i felt sat on, spat on, used as a carpet, stressed, told I'm useless, told I'm wonderful (sometimes by the same people, sometimes at the same time!), patted on the back, hit squarely in the face, delighted, disgusted, amazed, dazed and whole other plethora of different emotions.
I'm not sure I mentioned this in my previous blog, but I was conned into becoming a launch manager for a new product trial. It was a case of, Oh I can't make it to this meeting, could you go and represent me please? Just tell me what its about and I'll take it from there." And lo! i suddenly becomer responsible for the success and failure of it. Luckily, all the problems and mistakes were internally and not out in the open with the press and public, so to everyone else it was an astouding success.
Coincidentally, I've taken leave for the whole of next week, I applied for it and it was approved in January, way before all of this. This is a good thing cuz, well, I'm exausted, i wanna lay back, chil out, and finally do my laundry....
You could download information directly into your head from you computer? Would that mean that you'd need to update your brain with anti-virus software and a firewall?
Wow, yesterday I smoke an entire pack of 10's... heheh, shit, well I didn't wear the patch... I will today so hopefully won't smoke so much....
"It's a recession when your neighbor loses his job; it's a depression when you lose yours."
Harry S Truman (1884 - 1972), in Observer, April 13, 1958
DO's
do stuff you enjoy,
do stuff you won't regret later,
do make friends along the way,
do stuff that makes you feel good about yourself.
Don'ts
don't give a shit about what others think about you,
don't worry about things that don't concern you,
don't do stuff that'll harm you, anyone or anything,
don't be afraid.
Hi there little kid, how you doin' tiger? Aw, your mommy brought you to the office and left you all alone? Oh she asked that clerk to look after you is it? Since he's not here right now, you thought it would be great fun to throw my files all over the floor didn't you? You’re looking like you’re having a lot of fun with those paper clips you made into a necklace, oh you got them from drawer, so that's where they all went you little ole devil you! Why yes that picture of a dragon really look’s fitting on my table, it looks so real and alive. White liquid paper on wood really makes for a good dragon. It’s my fault anyway for leaving my desk unattended during lunch time; it was so irresponsible of me. Here, tell you what, take this dollar and go buy yourself and your mom an ice cream, hell here take my wallet if that’ll keep you quite while I try to write that report I need to submit in an hour. It does seem like so much fun running around in the office with a paper bag over your head screaming at the top of your lungs. Oh to be young again... So why don't you take all my money, go outside, find another little friend and go play HIDE-AND-GO-FUCK YOURSELF!
*I actually like little kids, you only have to look at the state of my desk to understand my animosity…. Hey at least I’m just writing a blog rather than giving the kid a good kick in the behind right? ;-p
*I actually like little kids, you only have to look at the state of my desk to understand my animosity…. Hey at least I’m just writing a blog rather than giving the kid a good kick in the behind right? ;-p
"Some mornings it just doesn't seem worth it to gnaw through the leather straps."
Emo Phillips
Today was my first day in what i hope to be many... To be frank i did cheat a little bit, had 3 sticks the whole day. I realise I shouldn't smoke while wearing them darn patches but hey, was a moment or two of weakness... I don't consider it to be a failure though, 3 sticks is nothing compared to my previous 25+ a day... Tomorrow i'll aim for 3 again....
...pressure
| Author:
Imagine a single word that you say, or for that matter, NOT say, may cause your bank to lose a major partership such as Visa or Mastercard. Imagine a little glitch in a software that's under your direct supervision could cause a loss of millions of hard currency for the bank. Imagine a simple mispelling in an agreement you drafted, could have caused tens of thousands of people to fall into abject poverty. Imagine running a project that has the entire Bank's good name at stake internationally, with no budget, no sponsorship, no manpower, but management expects you to carry it forward without complaint. Imagine management's expectations is that you sell 100,000 accounts in 9 months when they've only sold 20,000 in the past 3 years and your career rests on it. Imagine all this while working in the largest bank in the country, screaming and yelling to make yourself noticed in a sea of people. To top it all off, imagine trying to do all this AND quit smoking. That was me last week, and this week looks just as.... Interesting.....
pressure...
Welcome to the rat race...
pressure...
"One's dignity may be assaulted, vandalized and cruelly mocked, but cannot be taken away unless it is surrendered."Michael J. Fox (1961 - ), in "Saving Milly" by Morton Kondrake
"He who every morning plans the transaction of the day and follows out that plan, carries a thread that will guide him through the maze of the most busy life. But where no plan is laid, where the disposal of time is surrendered merely to the chance of incidence, chaos will soon reign."
Victor Hugo (1802 - 1885)
I gotta keep this short n sweet, wanna hit the sack before the clock tolls two...
I've decided yet again to try quittig smoking... As always, I wanna use this 'space' i got as a sounding board...
I know I've tried many times to quit, but a I always say theres no harm in trying, again, and again, and again.... Eitherway's i got nothing to lose accept money i'd be wasting on patches if i don't quit. So wish me luck as I head off once again, down vey familiar territory. Only this time I hope I make the right turn, instead of the wrong one.
Night2 all....
I've decided yet again to try quittig smoking... As always, I wanna use this 'space' i got as a sounding board...
I know I've tried many times to quit, but a I always say theres no harm in trying, again, and again, and again.... Eitherway's i got nothing to lose accept money i'd be wasting on patches if i don't quit. So wish me luck as I head off once again, down vey familiar territory. Only this time I hope I make the right turn, instead of the wrong one.
Night2 all....
"The time for logic and calm discussion has passed. Now is the time for constant bickering!"
- Overheard during a meeting
The other day I called up tech support over at the office. I usually try not to as most of the time it's an aggravating experience. You see over at the bank we have to types of offices who usually man the phones; 1) The Irratating Chirpy Junior, or 2) The Gnarlled Caustic Senior.
Subject 1 usually just started adis still new on the job. she's been through the highly intensive introductory course, she's revved up, highly positive, happy and probably still uses the cd-rom tray to hold her coffee cup with. You usually get hold of her when you have something urgent peding and your machies insists on cocking-up on you. You're angry, aggravated and need a good solution fast ad the last thing you want to hear on the other end of the horn is a chirpy, bubbly voice going,
a) Rebooting your comp, or
b) Reinstalling the offending program
Answer 1) usually doesn't remedy the problem, whereas answer 2) usually takes anything from 3 weeks to the end of time (whichever comes later) being that in a behemoth of a corporation, getting tech people to go any where else in the building aside from their floor usually requires 5 documents signed in triplicate, a mandate from the department head and a heart attack. Notice though that half the time she will not have any idea what your problem is and won't have a decent solution readily at hand.
The altenative tech-sup you get though (the Gnarlled Veteran) usually answers the phone when you have a simple, mundane question to ask. One that the Chirpy Junior should have been able to answer. This salty old dog mostly grunts at you at makes you feel like you caused him a great discomfort by calling. The other day I got the Gnarlled Vet. I wanted to find out what the status was on my recent application for a new computer. A completely legitimate question to call up Tech Sup about. The conversation went like this:
Subject 1 usually just started adis still new on the job. she's been through the highly intensive introductory course, she's revved up, highly positive, happy and probably still uses the cd-rom tray to hold her coffee cup with. You usually get hold of her when you have something urgent peding and your machies insists on cocking-up on you. You're angry, aggravated and need a good solution fast ad the last thing you want to hear on the other end of the horn is a chirpy, bubbly voice going,
"Hello, good morning, you've reached xxxx tech support. Our goal is to give you a solution on demand! Bla bla bla speaking, how can I help you?"at which point you grunt out you problem. "
Yeah hi, I've got this error message on Lotus Notes. It says xxxxx and told me to call tech support. I was in of e-mailing a client and it popped up. I can't open anything else up"Her great solution usually involves:
a) Rebooting your comp, or
b) Reinstalling the offending program
Answer 1) usually doesn't remedy the problem, whereas answer 2) usually takes anything from 3 weeks to the end of time (whichever comes later) being that in a behemoth of a corporation, getting tech people to go any where else in the building aside from their floor usually requires 5 documents signed in triplicate, a mandate from the department head and a heart attack. Notice though that half the time she will not have any idea what your problem is and won't have a decent solution readily at hand.
The altenative tech-sup you get though (the Gnarlled Veteran) usually answers the phone when you have a simple, mundane question to ask. One that the Chirpy Junior should have been able to answer. This salty old dog mostly grunts at you at makes you feel like you caused him a great discomfort by calling. The other day I got the Gnarlled Vet. I wanted to find out what the status was on my recent application for a new computer. A completely legitimate question to call up Tech Sup about. The conversation went like this:
beep-beep, beep-beep, beep-beep....click!Hello.
Hi, is that Tech Support?
Yes, what is it?
This is U.P. from xxxxx. I recently applied for a new computer, i was wondering what the status was on it?
What?!?
Erm, I said I applied for a new comp. My ID is xxxxxxx, just wanted to know if you've received my application.
Application? No, you need to come to the xxth Floor an pick up the form yourself.
No, no I already sent in the form. I was just wondering what the status is?
You sent in the form already? Well wait la, we'll get to you when we can!
But when I passed you all the form i was told to call this number if I wanted to know the status?
Well the status is pending la! I don't have all day you know. We'll call you when we're ready! thank you for calling, good bye!
But-er-a...
-click-
Why is it that at the end of the money, we always have a little bit of month left?
Out of sheer boedom I googled my name t see what would come up beig that it was quite unorthodox in the way it was spelt (well, at least in the english speakingworld). What I found was that it is a rather common name in Scandinavia (well d'uh!) and it had a very fitting meaning attached to it, very fitting indeed in my opinion. Well I'm about to do the unbelievable and actually admit my name, real name that is. Well, it's not like I have that many frequent visitors to my blog so what the hell... My first name is Niklas...What's interesting though is that my name means "Victory of the People" and I find that's quite an apt meaning looking at my socio-political stand point (heheh). To be honest I'm quite happy with the meaning and quite relieved that it didn't have a dull meaning or somethig that went against the way that I think...
"We've heard that a million monkeys at a million keyboards could produce the complete works of Shakespeare; now, thanks to the Internet, we know that is not true."
Robert Wilensky, speech at a 1996 conference
I frequently find myself wondering abut the purpose of life.
After that i find myself wondering why I've been wasting my time wondering about what the purpose of life is. Truth is, my belief is that there is no one preordained purpose, it's more of a kind of mish-mash of stuff, only loosely connected in the minds eye. We just don't have a preset purpose, which kind of sucks because if we don't have one that means we're not the numero uno most important inhabitants of the Universe. The Universe just doesn't care about us, we could all just disappear one day, vanish, and the Universe would carry on exactly the same. Actually, it's not that it doesn't care, it's that it cannot care. The point I'm trying to make here is that well, it's up to you to decide what your purpose is, because nobody else has. If you go wandering around life waiting for someone to go, "Dude, do this and your life will have true meaning.", you'll wander forever. Actually, someone most likely will come along and tell you what that special something is but ask yourself this before you go running off believing him/her, "How the hell does he/she know what it is?". So go out there, decide what your purpose is and just do it. Quit whinging cuz nobody wants to hear it, and seriously nobody really cares. Go find yourself, if you give yourself half a chance, you will. Your purpose is most likely right before your eyes.
The question I'm pondering right now though, is why the hell am i feeling so philosophical at 1 am in the morning and what does jello have to do with any of this?
The question I'm pondering right now though, is why the hell am i feeling so philosophical at 1 am in the morning and what does jello have to do with any of this?
"Life is like playing a violin in public and learning the instrument as one goes on."
Samuel Butler (1835 - 1902)
Arg!HR reached its grimy lil hands, into its deep bucket of names and pulled mine! shit i hate going on training! Well, actually I don't. I'm usually quite positive about shit like this as I do understand these little training escapades means i get to go out of the office and learn stuff. Howeve, this 'training' couldn't come at a wrse possible time. I got a new product trial which i gotta launch come next week + all the usual paper work a bank needs to keep it running (remember, the Pile Under the Desk!) that comes around financial year end + I'm gonna be audited soon. All this equals = Tons of Crap That Needs Done, TCTND for short (pronounced tek-tend) that can't be done because half the week is blown out of the water what with my enrollment into "Towards Supervisory Excellence".It's not like I've not done enough training this year, I have. Ah well, can't blame HR, their just 'following procedure' and their just 'trying to do their job'.
Eitherway, it's been quite a learning experience so far. Straight of the bat today, it being the first day of a three day course, I learnt that I could think up over thirty physical things that are round in 3 minutes. I was kinda baffled though when they told me a DVD is a physical thing where as a CD-ROM is not. Apparently a CD-ROM is a kind of software, so it's not a tangible thing but an intangible thing. Wow, so all this while those silvery circular things i keep sticking into my computer doesn't exist, that must mean i must have been hallucinating all this while. I blame it all on the nonsense i did back in college fucking with my head again. What I'd like to know though, is what thinking up different thingies that are round has to do with being a supervisor. I guess it so that I can impress my staff with the ammount of 'useful' information i have in my head. The next time one of them comes asking me, "U.P. for the life of me i can't think of anything that's round. Can you help me?" I'll be able to lean back with a big grin on my face and patronisingly say, "Well that's why I'm your supervisor. Why not try DVD, or globe or even.... Basket Ball?" then they'll be like all, "oh thank you U.P. your so smart!" yeah right, what ever. I can clearly see now how it'll benefit my career.
Also during one of their sessions, they told us that only men could think logically and women could only feel with their hearts, them being all touchy feely and shit. Us men well, we're all just cold steely logic you see. Thats why we need a girl, so that they'll stop us from turning into... Dalek MenMachines from the planet Zargon! Which by the way, is also round, it being a planet and all you see. It's all falling into place now, all those years of my then signifigant others moaning about me being insensitive. The answer was right infront of my face! It's because, deep down beneath my breast, beats the heart of truly logical machine. I suppose I should walk around now waving my hands screaming lines like "Does not compute! Does not compute!" every time a woman tells me something I don't understand. Either that or I'm like a Vulcan, I suppose that explains my slightly pointy ears.
Anyway, it's late and I can't stay up any longer. Gotta go for training tomorrow. It would be illogical for me to not sleep as that just would not... compute. So I'll go to my bed, which isn't round, aand lay my head on my pillow to slowly digest all of todays much useful learning. Thirsty though so i'm gonna grab a glass of water which by the way, looks round if you like stand over it. So take care now, sleep well, and live long and prosper...
Anyway, it's late and I can't stay up any longer. Gotta go for training tomorrow. It would be illogical for me to not sleep as that just would not... compute. So I'll go to my bed, which isn't round, aand lay my head on my pillow to slowly digest all of todays much useful learning. Thirsty though so i'm gonna grab a glass of water which by the way, looks round if you like stand over it. So take care now, sleep well, and live long and prosper...
Dear Alcohol,
Thanks a lot. Last night I dreamt I was a telemarketer again. Selling virtual sex acts to middle-class people of every race and sex. Over the phone. Thanks a lot.
And apparently in the dream, I'd been fired from this job before. Recently. However, call volume was irregularly high and vice versa. So they took me back. Tentatively.
On the computer screen was a huge panel of buttons, each one an audio sex-act recording of a hot woman doing it. For example, top left was the sound of her kissing and moaning. The next one played the sound of licking various body parts. And each progressed from there until eventually you cycled through hand jobs, blow jobs, all out doing it, then finally the really weird ones involving animals and urination. My occupation was to click the mouse on whichever button would keep the client on the line. Because, of course, the goal was to get them to pay five or six bucks a minute to listen to this stuff.
So I'd dial up a random person whose credit-card companies had sold us his data, and the client would answer, "Hello?" Then I'd have to click the first button. No talking from me now, just clicking buttons that, like I said, were audio cuts of women in sexual pleasure. Then the client would try to say no thanks or hang up, but that's when I'd hit them with the bestiality recordings to hook them in. But we weren't supposed to go all out right up front. We had to learn to entice them in. We had to prime the pump, as in a seductive mating dance that occurs in nature. And we were only supposed to hit the bestiality or murder-sex buttons as a last ditch effort to keep them on the line. And I quickly learned that like most jobs, it was a delicate art, not a science.
Unfortunately though, I kept hitting the most messed-up buttons too soon, hopefully not as too much of a metaphor for my reality behavior. For example, when I hit the urination-fetish button on this very nice lady who was trying to be helpful, everybody in the telemarketing office laughed really hard at me for so long. The supervisor came over and put her hand on my shoulder and said, "I think that's enough."
So they transferred me to another department where we sold recordings of mother's voices saying soothing things to babies. I know, I couldn't believe it either. But we actually did call little babies, and we played recorded mother's voices to them for six bucks a minute. There were not as many buttons on these computer screens, though. There were only eight. They were in order: [I am your mother], [I am here for you], [Have some milk], [You are a good baby], [You are never going to die], [Hush little baby don't say a word], [I have murdered your father], and the last one, which I am never going to repeat. Because it would blow your mind, and you would think I was a psychopath for dreaming of such a button.
Anyway alcohol, I thought I'd tell you this. Mainly so you could know for what you are responsible. And if I EVER have another dream that ends with something that fucked up, I am going to kill you personally. And if idle threats by me are not enough to discourage you, well you're still going to have to try MUCH harder than some Psychology 101 Oedipus mind-trick to make me lose it, you unoriginal archetype-parroting FUCK.
Your friend.
P.S. —See you later tonight, homie.
*Found this gem on the 'net, thought it was hilarious so just wanted to share it with u all....
Thanks a lot. Last night I dreamt I was a telemarketer again. Selling virtual sex acts to middle-class people of every race and sex. Over the phone. Thanks a lot.
And apparently in the dream, I'd been fired from this job before. Recently. However, call volume was irregularly high and vice versa. So they took me back. Tentatively.
On the computer screen was a huge panel of buttons, each one an audio sex-act recording of a hot woman doing it. For example, top left was the sound of her kissing and moaning. The next one played the sound of licking various body parts. And each progressed from there until eventually you cycled through hand jobs, blow jobs, all out doing it, then finally the really weird ones involving animals and urination. My occupation was to click the mouse on whichever button would keep the client on the line. Because, of course, the goal was to get them to pay five or six bucks a minute to listen to this stuff.
So I'd dial up a random person whose credit-card companies had sold us his data, and the client would answer, "Hello?" Then I'd have to click the first button. No talking from me now, just clicking buttons that, like I said, were audio cuts of women in sexual pleasure. Then the client would try to say no thanks or hang up, but that's when I'd hit them with the bestiality recordings to hook them in. But we weren't supposed to go all out right up front. We had to learn to entice them in. We had to prime the pump, as in a seductive mating dance that occurs in nature. And we were only supposed to hit the bestiality or murder-sex buttons as a last ditch effort to keep them on the line. And I quickly learned that like most jobs, it was a delicate art, not a science.
Unfortunately though, I kept hitting the most messed-up buttons too soon, hopefully not as too much of a metaphor for my reality behavior. For example, when I hit the urination-fetish button on this very nice lady who was trying to be helpful, everybody in the telemarketing office laughed really hard at me for so long. The supervisor came over and put her hand on my shoulder and said, "I think that's enough."
So they transferred me to another department where we sold recordings of mother's voices saying soothing things to babies. I know, I couldn't believe it either. But we actually did call little babies, and we played recorded mother's voices to them for six bucks a minute. There were not as many buttons on these computer screens, though. There were only eight. They were in order: [I am your mother], [I am here for you], [Have some milk], [You are a good baby], [You are never going to die], [Hush little baby don't say a word], [I have murdered your father], and the last one, which I am never going to repeat. Because it would blow your mind, and you would think I was a psychopath for dreaming of such a button.
Anyway alcohol, I thought I'd tell you this. Mainly so you could know for what you are responsible. And if I EVER have another dream that ends with something that fucked up, I am going to kill you personally. And if idle threats by me are not enough to discourage you, well you're still going to have to try MUCH harder than some Psychology 101 Oedipus mind-trick to make me lose it, you unoriginal archetype-parroting FUCK.
Your friend.
P.S. —See you later tonight, homie.
*Found this gem on the 'net, thought it was hilarious so just wanted to share it with u all....
